Chicken Lips

Silly silly me. Some may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one....I can sing a Beatles song to cover every emotion I think.....really. Current atatus: False hope.
Take a sad song and make it better....
Yesterday all my troubles seem so far away....
I'd like to be under the sea in an octopus' garden in the shade.....
It's been a hard days night...and I'll be sleepin like a log.....
Ob la di ob la da life goes on....
Your such a lovely audience....

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

My fave new song is Pinback's Penelope. It puts me in a good mood:)
I am off to the mountains. I'm pumped! I'll take a lot of pictures when I'm on top of the woorrld.Yay:)

This morning I had a meeting. I don't think that I have it in me to be aggressive or can this be learned and managed to be a balanced personality trait? Um, I don't know. It's a strange feeling though. Instead of being like...well, ok, I have to stay on top of things and be somewhat more assertive or aggressive. I'm just really easy to go along with things and assume that they will work out for the best. I've learned the hard way that the world isn't fair and that you can't just sit around and think the kinks will straighten out themselves. It's like anything else in life. It's WORK. There we go again with assuming that people will do the right thing and trusting them.BACK BONE>>>>it takes a lot to push my buttons and before I know it, it's too late and I've been scrrewwed. It's a bump in the road. I feel like a rag doll. I'm being tested here!

I guess when your pushed and pushed you do learn to become somewhat stronger and will be able to be aggressive when you need to be in certain situations. That, or you just take it and keep the role as having no backbone to stand up for yourself and make your own decisions. Then people look at you like a weenie. I've seen people make other people feel guilty to get them to do what they want or be what they want. The easy- to -go -along- with- anything- kind- of -people are easily manipulated. It's like a control thing and they shouldn't be in a relationship with such a shark. The sharks come in all forms too. It's strange. I think that people should bring out the best in one another. If you know in your heart that your not supposed to be with the other person then let it go. Let them go. Sometimes it's so hard, I know. Especially when there are children involved too. I feel like I can point it out in a snap in other couples. It's not my business, but I can learn for myself what I want by observing. Sometimes it's the girl that controls things and sometimes it's the guy. I just want to say..."Hey, this isn't healthy, so can you just break up?" The people that are made to feel guilty by the other party are actually really nice people and shouldn't be with those that make them feel obligated or have set expectations! Why give guilt trips? To each his own though. No relationship is perfect. I have seen some really good ones. Enviable ones! It's give and take. It's about not being selfish too.I feel that it's so important that you do what is right in your mind. Pleasing someone else can lead to self sacrifice. Self sacrifice leads to misery. A relationship is give and take plain and simple. I can testify. People need room to breathe when they are in a relationship. Some couples have that because they work at it and they care about one another. One may not be selfish in a relationship. There is no room for selfishness or it's just going to cause misery to one or the other.....Why am I on a roll about this today? Like anything else..It's work.

Things are being thrown in my path and bringing me down. It's a bump in the road. Life is good. I am remembering that! Yesterday I was watching Dr. Phil. The show focused on these two 25 year old girls that were addicted to drugs. They happened to be twins. They followed one of the girls around while she was turning tricks to get money to buy heroine or crack. She would get into random guy's cars and give them oral sex for money. She'd do maybe 5 to 10 a day. She walked the streets as a prostitute and called them her johns. There are people out there with horrible addictions and horrible life situations! It's like you know that it's out there, but when your faced with actually seeing it hurts your heart to see such terrible things that people are going through. These girls, and one of them in particular, just started experimenting as young adolescents with drugs. it started off with alcohol and weed and then led to acid, pills, and then at 15 years old they tried heroine. Just trying it that one time got them hooked for years. Heroine is an evil drug. It will take away your whole life. The twins are 25 now. One was in jail and the other was still out on the streets getting high all hours of the day. The filmed graphic scenes and it was pretty disturbing to see this girl, Sarah, degrade herself for money to buy drugs. As soon as she made the money it was spent. She was dirty and hadn't bathed in days. I'm surprised she isn't dead. This girl, Sarah, was a hardcore crack smoker and heroine shooter. I was just captivated by the story and I wanted to see if they could truly help her. This girl couldn't go any more than a few hours without smoking crack or shooting up. She was a walking bag of bones and her face was broken out with acne so bad. Her speech was slow and quivery from doing so many drugs. As I watched this, I couldn't help but think that I should not complain. I should be thankful for everything that I do have and quit focusing on what I don't. I was watching someone that had literally hit rock bottom. She and her sister chose a path without even really knowing what it was. It grabbed them and sucked them in.

She was willing to be helped. When she got to the airport she went to the bathroom and didn't come out. They went to get her and she was smoking crack in one of the stalls at the airport. That was the last drug use. Dr. Phil put her mother, her sister, and her in the Dr. Phil house. They were there together to get help. Their mother was there to support them. She was devastated when she watched the film of her daughter living on the streets and sleeping in the cemetery at night. As a mother I know that was so painful to see.I'm going to have to record this to see if she actually makes it. I hope that she does. For heroine to take over her life would be so sad.

This morning I woke up at 5 a.m., which is not unusual for me in the least. I actually can not really remember the last time that I slept in. Sleeping in is until 8 a.m.! I drove to Spring Valley High School to endure 3 long hours of 3 tests with no breaks in between. Tell me that this is sane and I will have to slap you. Now, I wait 4 weeks until I will know my scores. The torture!
I wasn't sure if I really knew the way to Spring Valley High,where I was to go to the testing center, so I sped this morning. There were really no other cars on the road and I sped down Screaming Eagle road and past Clothing World and spotted a sign that pointed in the direction of the high school! Yay! So, finding the school was a piece of cake and I stopped at Mcdonalds to make myself eat a biscuit. I normally don't eat that early in the morning. Lord knows when your stomach growls during a test it's hard to concentrate, not to mention embarrassing when it sounds like a dinosaur! So, I found the place and I ate something and had a cup of Joe. Whew!A lot of people showed up for testing. The tests ranged in subject matter. We waited in a long line outside of the locked doors of the school waiting to enter. It was pretty cold and we stood out there for about 20 minutes. The girl in front of me was there to take the Spanish section in Session II. She actually had to speak Spanish and answer questions in Spanish in front of the proctor. So, I chatted with her and then this older woman walked by us all the way to the front of the line. She strode with confidence and we assumed that she was a proctor or teacher there to unlock the front doors. Then she comes back and as she walks past us going the other direction to the back of the long line she says..: "Well, ya'll ain't gettin in cause the doors are locked." Um, do I want this person teaching my children if she doesn't have the sense to know that the reason all of these people are waiting in a long line is because maybe the doors are locked and we are waiting for someone to unlock them? We all just sort of looked at one another like "Um, that's a given lady." It made me laugh though!
So, then the doors open and the herd goes through them to the lunchroom. I'm assuming that there are people there to guide you and that there is some sort of system. Nope, there are papers taped to the back wall and your supposed to climb over people to find your name in really small writing and the room number is beside it. There are 100's of people milling about.It's utter chaos. So, I just took the reins and got up there and found my name and classroom and was pretty much one of the first ones there.
Testing began....late....there was one person that showed up 20 minutes late and she let him in! Even though the rules strictly state that you will not be allowed to enter once the testing has begun. I was bent out of shape because he walked in all cocky and rude, like it was a movie theater or something. He walked ever so slowly across the room in front of us all with this attitude like he was Joe Cool or Snoop Dog. I always hated those people in college. I just knew that he was from Sumter, as I've seen it many times at USC. (One time I had a professor go ballistic at a couple of students that would walk in late most of the time. Finally, he cursed them out! He was a New Yorker with a bad temper. I was loving it! They deserved it too.) Maybe that only happens in Sumter? It's that attitude I've seen time and time again. It's so ghetto! I don't know. I could have slapped the guy that walked in late today. Is he someone that I want teaching my children? Nope.
So, enough bitchin. It was grueling. I made it home by 1 p.m. I hope that I passed the sucker.....

it's 6:30 a.m. B's dinner party was fun. I guess I should call it a supper club now. Good people and good food. Once a month we'll try to do dinner, which is cool. We only have two places to choose from to have them though.....once my divorce is final, then maybe I'll move and get a little house and host at my house. Here I sit stuck in Limbo, which feels like forever. March isn't tooo far away. I'm just ready to get everything settled and over with....naturally.
Last night was the most terrible drive back home, though. I couldn't see the road and the rain just kept tumbling down. I actually tried to pull over to the side at a convience store on the outskirts of town and there was a homely looking man carrying a garbage bag over his shoulder. He was trying to hitch a ride and gestured. It was just him standing by a gas pump. There was another car idle with their headlights on in the dark away from the homely man waiting out the rain. It was eerie. I felt like I was in a scary movie for a moment. The dude could have had a Freddie Kruger hand holding his trash bag! I was seriously scared to drive home. I have never driven in rain coming down soooo hard. My windshield wipers couldn't keep up with all of the water sloshing down. The man acted like he was going to approach my car, so I crept back onto the road. All I could think about were my children not having a mother...A bit dramatic I know, but I was so scared! I was scared to be out there, but I was in the middle of Sumter and Columbia. There really wasn't anywhere to go. At least my friend called and talked to me for a split second.I told her I though that I was going to die! I'm serious, it was raining that hard! But I had to concentrate, so I hung up and I finally made it home. I think I drove 35 mph pretty much all the way to Sumter. When I started back home from the dinner party, I dropped my friend off at her house and it was drizzle. By the time I got to Divine, it was raining buckets and I wasn't calling A, who was more than likely asleep. At that point I knew that it was going to be a crappy drive home. Finally, when I got into my big bed and snuggled up under the covers it was heaven. I was so glad to be in my bed. So, now I sit here with a cup of Joe and my thoughts....More to follow. 4 Hours of sleep....Second cup of coffee....I think I'll put on a pot....

At the moment I'm really digging The Stills. I highly recommend Without Feathers....And it's another day home sick:(

Will told me that girls like jewels and Barbaries. Not Barbies...Bar-ba-ries....
Last night we read some in his children's Bible. He loves Bible stories. His bedtime came and it was time to put the book down. He didn't want to! I felt a little bad fussing at him to put the Bible down to go to bed! What is a mother to do? Needless to say, it was sweet.
After fussing at my child to "Put down that Bible and go to bed!" I called Alex and Kim back....I'm perturbed about the upcoming single life.... but then the next day I thought...Who cares. No worries. At least I know what I want and what I don't, and that this time is needed for focusing on myself and my children.....there seems to be that dream world of my future that floats above my head in the shape of a crystal ball. What will it be like? Will I ever find love again? Lord, please don't let me turn out a man hating sour wench with a cat. Please? Oh, and the cat has my mother's personality after all...he's lived with her for years...whew! I was beginning to worry...

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go" ~Herman Hesse~

My mind can rest easier now. Understanding has been piece milled into my mind. I feel like someone's hands have touched my shoulders piece milling peace without me flinching, if that makes any sense. Does the feeling of the sense of peace consume you at once? Does it roll over you like a cloud covering the sun or moon? I feel as though it has been given to me in pieces or doled out to me a part at a time. Diced pieces of peace, if you will. I am at a place in my life where I am forced to reflect. Sure, I can change things by choice, but only slowly through time. Fast paces frighten me. I asked for this time a long time ago and it hit me the other day that it's actually here before me and I didn't even know. It's been unveiled to me in such a surreal way. I viewed it as punishment. I viewed it as unfair. I viewed it as boring. Time.....

A year ago, I remember my mind would race and become jumbled with all of the things that I needed to do. I felt that I had many tasks to accomplish. I had many things to get done! I worked myself to death at home and away from home. I slaved to make my house a home. The anxiety scattered my world. My mind was like a broken mirror. I couldn't sit still for ten minutes! I could never reach perfection and I could never fix everything. I was mentally out of control trying to keep the external world orderly, while my mind was frazzled with important thoughts floating in space. I ignored gravity to pull them back down by being task driven. Perhaps I wanted my mind frazzled and scattered and foggy? This may have been the way to cope? I didn't allow myself to think about anything except the tasks. I'd find another and another and another. My list was probably a mile long. What about my dreams, my thoughts, my needs, my wants? Life was a one way street instead of two. My pride allowed this to continue. Subconsciously, I did have a shard of strength to have, at first, a small voice. I can say that there was a slither of light that poured in at the end of the tunnel and it was this light that allowed me to gain the strength to awaken and I'm so glad for it. Finally, I couldn't keep my mouth shut any longer! I have a voice! We all have a voice and choices. God gives us choices to make the right decisions and to live lovingly through Him. That light spoke and said "This isn't right!" This time that I have now allows me to sit still. Gravity has won and is strongly pulling those floating thoughts downward and I am working on centering them. I am working on making peace with my past and becoming whole again. By choice I am using this time for good. This time is a gift. This time makes me still. I'm catching up on all of the thinking that I brushed off to the side. I'm catching up to myself.

This time allows me to see things for what they are, instead of forming an opinion instantly. Keats wrote that "Beauty is truth and truth Beauty, and that is all ye need to know on this earth." Opinions are formed instantly, but people are different day to day aren't they? How can one form the ultimate judgment of another when that very same person could be totally transformed through personal choice the next hour or day? There are new and old experiences and many facets to one's personality. Someone made the remark that "You are who you are." Can people change? I feel that people can change through their own will and choices that they make. Again,God gives you the choices to live lovingly through him. It's up to you to breathe before you think or speak or form that first opinion. We form opinions instantly.... Why is that? The critical nature unfolds. A clean tablet is in your brain and as soon as you meet another, in an instant, there is something written on the tablet forming a thought or opinion about them. How can a tablet remain a tablet without those words written on it? How can you see the tablet for a tablet? Or the person for the person. Or the tree for the tree? So, in my daily thoughts, I try to be conscientious of those first moments. I try to breathe before I speak. I want to see a person as another being. Those first few little milli seconds when my mind forms that inkling of an opinion, I try to be aware of it. I try to live as God would want me to live. Aren't we taught to love our neighbors as ourselves? It isn't right to form that initial opinion is it? We simply can not see inside of one another's' heads( although I wish we could). Judging others right off the bat and forming those instant opions can only lead to bitterness within ourselves...

At Alpha last night someone asked the group what scripture stood out in their minds. Feeling Bible illiterate and uneasy, my mind raced for something to surface that I could share. I view the Bible as sawdust or a very boring read, but being there gave me a hunger to open up my Bible! The Bible is a tool to teach you how to live your life after all. It's the most read book ever. The best seller! On average there are 6 Bibles per household. There is a place to start..... I think I changed in that instant when I felt the hunger to want to know more. I've had these moments before, but this time it was different. It took me a little longer to come up with the scripture, but I have it!( A day later) I wasn't able to share with the group much. I did a little, but I felt like the turtle amongst hares. So, I thought about it and I came up with my scripture for the time being. I remember listening to a group called The Byrds. Here is some trivia too:The Byrds' 1967 number one hit single, "Turn! Turn! Turn!" has the oldest lyrics of any number one hit song. True or false????
It's True! The lyrics to The Byrds' "Turn! Turn! Turn!" were written by King Solomon; the verses are derived from the Ecclesiastes.

So, in song by The Byrds and in scripture Here it is: Here is what "hit" me.
To every [D] thing, [G]turn, [Bm]turn, [A] turn,There is a [D]season, [G]turn, [Bm]turn, [A]turn,And a [G]time [Bm]to every [Em]purpose [A]under [D]heavenA time to be [A]born, a time to [D]dieA time to [A]plant, a time to [D]reapA time to [A]kill, a time to [D]healA time to [G]laugh[Bm], a [Em] [A]time to [D]weepTo everything, turn, turn, turn,There is a season, turn, turn, turn,And a time to every purpose under heavenA time to build up, a time to break downA time to dance, a time to mournA time to cast away stonesA time to gather stones togetherTo everything, turn, turn, turn,There is a season, turn, turn, turn,And a time to every purpose under heavenA time of love, a time of hateA time of war, a time of peaceA time you may embraceA time to refrain from embracingTo everything, turn, turn, turn,There is a season, turn, turn, turn,And a time to every purpose under heavenA time to gain, a time to loseA time to rend, a time to sewA time to love, a time to hateA time for peace, I swear it's not too late