Chicken Lips

I'm free to do as I please .
I'm free to love from the bottom of my heart.
I'm free to be
I'm free to know that I deserve
i am free to know that I am willing to give
i am free to battle the unexpected
I am free to live in the moment
i am free to give all I have to give
i am free to squash the past, learn from it, and move forward
i am free to love anyone worth it.

The innocence of a child's trusting gaze looking up into your eyes is priceless. The big hopeful doe eyes look up at you with somewhat of a plead to truly understand all there is to understand. Their imaginations are abuzz and the world of make believe is where they reside until they grow up to sit at a desk and doodle dreams on a big yellow note pad or stare out of a glass window wishing for that vacation time around the corner. What would life be like without fantasies or imagination?

My dad used to tell me stories while riding down the road. A kidder, a teaser, a picker was he. He still is. His stories involved characters like Sally Mae Slim Drawers and Ruby Begonia who were sisters! They were born and raised in a cabbage patch. Like the Cabbage Patch kids. Of course that made it even cooler because Cabbage Patch dolls were my whole world. I loved them like they were my children. I was a good little momma.

I have other small silly memories of my dad. Things that come to my mind like when he called my best friend Kate Altman and I Mutt and Jeff. I still don't exactly know who Mutt and Jeff are. Must be some old T.V. characters he was making a reference to. Purely funny to him as we look at him like what??? What are you talking about old man?!? I should look up Mutt and Jeff and see what I can find.....And even though my dad has seen Old Yeller 50 million times, he will still pop in the movie and watch it on a Saturday. Old Yeller is one of his happy places just like the name Ruby Begonia makes me smile.

I don't watch the news, yet the worst shooting massacre in U.S. History happened yesterday at Virginia tech. More than 30 people were killed. My mother was watching the news late last night and told me what had happened. My thoughts and prayers go out to the people whose lives were lost as well as their families.
What a tragedy. It's disturbing that people can walk around with guns, especially mentally unstable ones. What would posses a person to open fire and kill? The American psyche is disturbing enough. Perhaps the only people that should be allowed to have guns is the military. Europe has the strongest and most intolerable gun laws. We should follow their lead.
"I think if this does prompt a serious and reflective debate on gun issues and gun law in the states then some good may come from this woeful tragedy," McNulty said.


From an article by Paisely Dodds "World Reacts to U.S. Shooting"

Why, we ask, do Americans continue to tolerate gun laws and a culture that seems to condemn thousands of innocents to death every year, when presumably, tougher restrictions, such as those in force in European countries, could at least reduce the number?"
Gun crime is extremely rare in Britain, and handguns are completely illegal. The ban is so strictly enforced that Britain's Olympic pistol shooting team is barred from practicing in its own country.
Britain's 46 homicides involving firearms was the lowest total since the late 1980s. New York City, with 8 million people compared to 53 million in England and Wales, recorded at least 579 homicides last year.
"What exactly triggered the massacre in Virginia is unclear but the fundamental reason is often the perpetrator's psychological problems in combination with access to weapons," Swedish daily Goteborgs-Posten commented.
The shooting drew intense coverage by media in China, in part because the school has a relatively large Chinese student body and because U.S. reports said the gunman may have been Chinese or Asian.
Private citizens are forbidden from owning guns in China.
"Why are there were so many shooting incidents in American schools and universities?" said a comment posted on the popular Internet portal Sohu.com. "People should think why an American-educated student would take revenge against America?"
Yuan Peng, an American studies expert, was quoted by state-run China Daily as saying the shooting illustrated America's problems with gun control and a lack of security at American universities.
"This incident reflects the problem of gun control in America," said Yuan, from the China Institute of Contemporary International Relations, a Beijing-based think tank.

It's true. One may read more into a situation or someone may gain your trust under false pretenses to just turn around a squash what you thought was really there. Was it there? That will be up to the person whose lips are barred and sealed to reveal. The chances of that are slim to none when the fear is biting at the heels. What you do and what you say are not in sync. What you do and what you say should be sychronized otherwise one may be bold enough to call you a weenie. Sometimes actions speak louder than words and then sometimes words are more important. The moment has passed. The bug has hit the windshield. splat. Your gut tells you things, though. You know what they say.....follow your gut instinct. If you enter a room and there is someone there that doesn't really like you or vice versa, your going to feel it in the air no matter how civil or kind you try to appear. It's in your gut to just know these things. If someone likes you in a non platonic way, then you kinda know it too, even if they never say so out of fear. You may miss the mark occasionally, but usually you're gut is right about things like that. It's hard to believe sometimes that people do things out of the kindness of their heart. I have wrestled with the thinking that everyone really does have a ulterior motive. Is this true? ALL is strong to say, but MOST? I still don't know about this one. I have a hard time believing that MOST people are unselfish. I'd like to think that people would provide service above self. Lets' not be naive, though. I'm on the fence with that one. There are kind souls out there. There are people that are giving and generous and loving. The fruits of the spirit consume them and it imminates from them. They have these gifts to offer. I'd like to think that I am one of those people. I used to give my toys away as a child! All of them! I'm a giver. I'm a Lover, I'm a sinner, I 'm a midnight toker...just kidding. So a tussle and a rustle with the devil is what you have when the green old monster enters or the selfishness for that matter. Is there more bad than good? Is there more evil in this world than good?
This leads to my thoughts about letting the moment pass you by.This reminds me of the movie My Best friends Wedding. Julia Roberts and that dude(whatever his name is) are on a boat ride going under a bridge talking about the moment passing you by. The moment passes her by there. It's something that I have been pondering upon today. It's the moment that passes you by when you don't say what you feel. Say what it is that you want to say, even if it is a day or a week or a year later. Don't let it pass you by to be thwarted into the land of oblivion! An indirect and blase' approach is unattractive. False communication or the lack of it is unattractive. Not speaking up is unattractive. It's the real that I want. Be real!!!!!
This is one of the characteristics that I find so great in John. He's REAL. He's bold. He has balls so to speak. I like a guy that knows how to speak to a lady AND has respect for women. How on earth did this amazing guy come into my life so unexpectedly? I used to think that you had to put yourself out there and look and go for it. I used to think that things never just landed in your lap. You had to be a go getter to get anything at all. Suddenly this ...... something in my life plopped down from a cloud or somewhere from above or below or sideways and has appeared.
It is NOT the 'honeymoon' beginnings of a relationship. This is real and un-romanticized. I romanticized until I thought I would go Cinderella insane last year about a guy. I developed romantic feelings and thoughts and fairy tales. I played in the land of the fairies so that I would not have to face the reality of my life at the time. It's interesting how I manage to do these things and get so utterly lost. It's a hiding place until I find myself. Now, I think about how silly of a girl I was! I'm able to focus on myself and my goals and aspirations without getting so enveloped in a guy. This guy encourages me to be creative,paint, and gives me space to be me. I love that. It's awesome to know that it's okay to be separate from someone and know yourself.
I got burned out two weeks ago. I fell asleep for two weeks and became nonfunctional. Drained, tired, a rag doll gone limp and the strength and endurance swiped from my feet. My brain was overloaded, my nerves shot, and my tears would not come. So, I slept. and I slept and I slept. Down the drain and to the ocean. the big ocean where I met the sun and i faced reality. A huge realization dawned from the sky. It was the anniversary of it all. It was the time that punched my clock and shook the life out of me. Time. The internal alarm fired off and the emergency signals flamed to ignite the fright in me.
Waking from a dream and still wondering if it is still a dream. Can it be that somebody so wonderful can be real and not just a dream? It appears so. It's been real time and time again. There are no left unsaids. There is a line of communication that is so open and honest and full of heart. He's right. It's so unusual.

It illuminates the heart for a speck of an era,
blindingly so
and is
sealed tightly in a jar of formaldehyde
Poisonously safe,
it is
a mask unto itself.

Arresting beauty
caged like a bird
singing her song of flight
it is
talon gripped truth.

Lend a sensual ear
to hear

the oceans cool melody
whispering
on a distant shore.
lapping and whipping
grains of sand to arrive

on earth,
a perverse universe.

Love fades
sometimes

I did it. I muscled the hoe and I speared it into the ground pulling it back up and out again. The sand trickled speck by speck to the soft greyed ground pouring and filling a new pattern in life. The static is gone. The picture is coming in loud and clear. It's simple: communication.

Once again I am slooowww... with the political news, that is. Hillary is running for president? My world just got news of this. I sort of knew. Sort of. Why isn't there more hoopla over it? Or is there hoopla and I'm oblivious to it? Could it be that I was so self absorbed to not notice that a woman was running for freakin president and making history? Apparently my bunny ears have been fuzzy for a while. I just got reception. I thought that it was a joke or a fake website too! Guess what? It's not fake. It IS real. And Rudy is running too? Whoa.....

I haven't posted in awhile. Not that anyone in the blogosphere cares. I have been reading Zach Braff's blogs lately and I am UBER fascinated with this guy! He is so creatively funny and extremely endearing. I think that I am in love with him and I'm going to marry him. I'm kidding! Garden State was awesome....Oh, and speaking of Corky or was I? " You did such a good job. I really thought that you were retarded." You did better than Corky from Life Goes On and he IS retarded." Wow. He (Zach) wrote it ( Garden State) at a point in his life when he was super depressed. I watched it again last night. I am smitten with Zach Braff. Totally and utterly smitten. I saw The Last Kiss this past weekend too. Now, it isn't Garden State, but I did appreciate the take on Love, relationships, loyalty,betrayal, forgiveness..... and so on. Tonight I am going to watch Little Miss Sunshine. I heard that this was a good movie. soooooooo.......

Sometimes one must take two steps backward in order to move forward. Stepping stones my dears. Stepping stones. I'm playing with the idea of buying a really nice camera...

I am really digging the Greys Anatomy soundtrack and I highly recommend it! It is awesome.

I know someone who stole hotel towels and hotel toilet paper. It's not even two ply toilet paper....Who does that? AND the part that just really disturbs me is that the towels that were stolen were.......USED and sweaty and damp from the pool area! There is no telling who wiped their nasty ass with those towels. Why do YOU want to take them home? I will gladly buy you some from Big Lots at christmas time Cheapo. It's almost as bad as living off of pork and beans and living with a stock of it like there is going to be a nuclear war attack. Have you ever witnessed people that stockpile food in their bedroom on a book shelf? I have witnessed Bulk Heinz ketchup as well as canned goods sitting on a book shelf in someone's bedroom! I know! I know! But I can't name any names here.....The towels weren't from our room.....they were picked up from the pool area by the nameless culprit who will hopefully never come across this blog ever......Now that's pre- meditated towel stealing if I ever saw any. Security!!!

Not a creature is stirring except moi. It's late. I remember it like it was yesterday. The day I found out was horrible! No Santa? It's a lie!
I was the ripe age of eight when I found out through my older brother that there was no Santa.

"Tell her Dad." He said. I was in the car with my Dad and my brother, Frank. We were on our way home from my grandmother's house Christmas Eve. Santa was coming! I chatted excitedly about Santa coming. My brother laughed and started to make fun of me. He laughed and said that I was retarded for still believing in Santa Clause! I ignored him and thought that he was teasing as usual. It couldn't possibly be true. What a moron. He was always telling me things that weren't true. ( he would pretend that E.T. was calling me on the phone or hide under my bed and pretend that he was Spike, the bad gremlin.) Of course I didn't believe him. Who would believe him anyways? Then he laughed harder! It was then that he prodded my Dad to confirm. I think my Dad reprimanded my brother for being so insensitive at that moment. I mean this is a big moment in a kid's life when they are to learn that their freakin childhood is over. After moments of silence it was,in fact, confirmed. He actually said that I was old enough to know that there was no Santa. What?????????? I was stunned. I was in shock. I was devastated. After my Dad decided that it was time that I knew right there in the car after being so cruelly taunted, the mighty flood gates burst and I was in the depths of despair. My Dad actually confirmed that Santa was fictitious while my brother laughed and teased in an irritating sing song voice. My mind raced. All of the things that I believed were false? My world came crumbling down around me. Could it be true? Was this a horrible joke? It just couldn't be! The feelings of confusion were magnified times 100. All of my childhood fantasies and wishes and wonderings were squashed like a bug against a windshield. I think I cried all the way home. I think I felt like someone had died. Santa died that night. Dead and buried while someone laughed at the funeral .HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yeah, very funny. Part of my childhood died along with him........That night I kept wishing that it had all been a dream. I kept wishing that Santa was still real.
We were pulling out of my grandmother's driveway and going home to sleep. Santa was going to come! I was so excited! I had deep conversations with my cousin on the swing set outside at my grandmother's house. Very deep stuff. We discussed how Santa made it to every one's house in one night and where he actually got all of the presents. It all made sense then.....
I'm really struggling with the whole Santa deal right now......So, what do I do? Which way do I go with this?
My mother found out when she was 12. wow. Hers was a traumatic story as well. She went to bed along with her brother and sister anticipating Santa coming that night. She was all snuggled in her bed when the door to her room creaked open a crack. Her mother poked her head in to whisper to her. She told her that she could get up to help bring in the bicycles and presents to place under the tree. My mother froze. She said that she literally couldn't move!

I got a new hair cut.

Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
It took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
He also invented scissors.

I wish that I could turn off like a light switch sometimes....
I wish I had a dial and I could change my dial to another station....

It's a good feeling to just say what's on your mind without getting so emotional about it. It's good to be able to communicate with people in a diplomatic way, in a calm fashion. It's good to just say it, so that ill will isn't harbored as a result or false hope, for that matter. No matter what the outcome at least you can carry on and have the weight of those thoughts lifted to float to another place.

I had another dream last night and this time I thought that it was real. It was one of those dreams where I had a secret and I couldn't tell anyone the truth. It was awful. When I woke up I was so relieved that it wasn't really happening. Whew. Why am I having so many dreams lately? This energy and psychological mania is screaming something loudly at me.
First my teeth are falling out and then...I can't even spell it out....It was horrible!